Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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