I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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