i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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