what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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