but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
