I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
