I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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