Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
