I wish you could order shots online.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
