So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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