Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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