I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
