Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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