I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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