Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
