A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
