he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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