It's Friday. Sex?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
