if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
he was CRYING into my vagina
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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