I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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