How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She told me I should be a condom model.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
