Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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