you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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