I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So. Much. Porn.
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