Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
