The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
