He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
