I faked an abortion last night.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
