There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
