My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Randomize
