What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
