so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
