Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
