Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
