Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
