I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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