you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
