She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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