So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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