he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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