Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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