mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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