I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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