Will you blow on my dice?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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