i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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