i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
