He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
