I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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