Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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