He felt like a one man threesome
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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