Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
