Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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