I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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