Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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