Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
