Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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