i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was not drunk enough for that final.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
