Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize