Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
