The maid of honor just puked.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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