At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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